


Dean goes to Starbucks, Sam’s date dies, But what else is new

by What_TheActualFrickFrack



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, F/F, M/M, because this is castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:42:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23664082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/What_TheActualFrickFrack/pseuds/What_TheActualFrickFrack
Summary: Dean and Sam are staying in another disgusting motel when disaster strikes. Sam's John Frieda, Luxurious Volume, Touchably Full Shampoo, For Fine Hair is stolen by gremlins and he goes into a deep depression. Dean, tired of hearing his snoring, decides to spend his life's savings on Starbucks and meets a rat-looking barista...
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Ruby/Sam Winchester, Sam/hairproducts





	Dean goes to Starbucks, Sam’s date dies, But what else is new

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Giorno Fucking Dies And Mista Probably Fucks A Vacuum Cleaner](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8423296) by [animeme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/animeme/pseuds/animeme). 



It was another shitty morning in a shitty motel. It was cloudy outside and was probably going to rain, but Dean didn’t care. Dean Winchesthair would rather die than listen to his brother’s ground-shaking snoring any longer. So instead of using the coffee maker in the shitty ass motel room, he decided to go to Starbucks, to get coffee marginally better quality for more than twice the price. It was a terrible decision, really, but Deen was too tired to care. Last week had been exhausting, him and Såm having to exorcise a ghoul who looked suspiciously similar to the girl from The Ring(Whose hair he was still picking off his clothes) and a gaggle of quarter-sized gremlins who had stolen Dein’s toiletries and Same’s precious John Frieda, Luxurious Volume, Touchably Full Shampoo, For Fine Hair. He was so upset, he went into a 14-hour depression nap and refused to get up. At least he had his black 1967 Chevrolet Impala, he thought. It was the only thing keeping him from torching the rest of Sand’s prized hair products. 

Deeeeen Wincrester got into his black 1967 Chevrolet Impala and drove full tilt for the nearest Starbucks. It was disgusting and muggy out, he noted, locking and re-locking his car doors. Not that it would do anything. He ran his hand through his short hair, flicking stray dandruff off his forehead. Maybe he should’ve showered. But if he saw another clump of hair this week, he too might go into shock. The beloved double-tailed mermaid logo came into view, rising like a sun over the drab gray buildings. To bad real mermaids were royal shits, he thought, Daan’s lip curling at the memory. He shuddered. He barged through the door. He was too tired to be polite, so even after he got his coffee the barista continued to glare at him. Daen’s thoughts were probably something like this: I’m tired. I hate this place. Demons suck ass. Why is that stupid barista glaring at me, did someone piss in his cereal? The light-haired man scrunched his tawny eyebrows together in a menacing stare. Even monsters had been unsettled by it, but the dark-haired, rat looking barista wasn’t phased. Something in Dean’s heart softened. For the first time, someone wasn’t scared of him. He was touched. 

Suddenly, the glass shattered and civilians clutching their precious coffee scrambled, D e an shot up, red crayon ready and guns at hand. The Banshee surprisingly ignored the civilians and went straight for the barista. That’s unusual, he thought. He groaned, then ran full speed for an intercept. The barista looked bored, almost. Dean Wrenchester was oddly irritated by it. There was a flash of very dramatic white light, a flash of a silver dagger, and the banshee was banished to the fire pits of hell. The yawning hellhole swallowed the banshee up, then vanished as it had never been there. Most people would be horrified. Dian was just annoyed. The unnecessary white light, the silver dagger. The bitchy barista was almost certainly, no, very certainly an angel.”You’re an angel.”He stated a matter of factly. Why the hell(ironic) was an angel posing as a barista? “No, I'm not,” the ratty angel replied smoothly. Deat squinted at him. “Uh, yes you are, you son of a bitcht.”  
Deant took a sip of his nearly-forgotten coffee. He promptly spits it out. “Did you shit in this or something?!!”, the brunette gagged. “Is that not how you make coffee?” Dean then finally gave in to his mounting stress and passed out for a week. 

Sam woke up from his 14-hour depression nap. He had finally finished crying over his John Frieda, Luxurious Volume, Touchably Full Shampoo, For Fine Hair. He sighed. He was in the mood for a distraction, so he went onto tinder and immediately matched with a cute, ebony-haired, petite, woman. The woman’s name was Ruby. “How unique and quirky”, He mutters to himself. Smiling, he pockets his Nokia and discovers The Baby is missing. Sma took a deep breath. Where the hell was his shitty brother? He suddenly went into a panic. “WHERE THE HELL IS THAT DUMBASS?!!!!!!!!!!!!” he yelled so loudly his date heard and came over. “Huh? How’d you get here so fast?”, momentarily distracted from his missing brother. She stuttered. “Uhhh...I just happened to be speedwalking nearby.” “That makes complete and total, logical sense.”,Saaaaaaam concluded. Sam, pacified, went on his date. They went to Starbucks. While Ruby got her mocha, Sam admired his score. Ah, yes. Just what I needed. He proceeded to whip out War and Peace from his pocket. “Ah, just some light reading.” Suddenly, there was an unholy screech, Ruby had stepped on an oddly familiar silver dagger... Black smoke ejected from Ruby’s no, Ruby’s host’s body. And died on spot. Sam sighed, shoving War and Peace back in his pocket. “Why do all my dates die?”,He wondered out loud. He was mildly upset they hadn’t gotten to do the deeeeed. She had been such a catch. Oh well. Then he remembers his brother, his stupid, insolent, dumbass borther, had somehow dropped the most sacred and powerful dagger on the floor of a random Starbucks. Sam really should have known though, since the windows were still broken. 

Meanwhile:  
Dan Whenchestmar woke up. His back was as stiff as the shitty motel beds. Some suspiciously yellow tea was sitting to his left. It occurred to him, he was lying on tile. Naked. The rat bitch was perched on the arm of the couch like a complete psychopath. “Hey rat bitch, why am I naked?”, “I thought that is how humans sleep.”, he replied, steepling his hands. “Okay, then, tell me this, shithead, do you sleep naked?”, “uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….”, The stupid rat angel uhhhed for so long, Dane fell asleep. 

When he came to again, a towel had been delicately draped over his groin. The brunette rolled his luscious kelp forest orbs. Did the rat man know anything about human customs? The aforementioned rat bicth was still sitting in that godforsaken position. “Why are you still sitting there, bitch?” “I was sent here by god to study human behavior. Also, what is anal?”,he questioned, inquisitively tilting his head like the bicth he was. “Look it up, dumbass.”,Dain’s mouth twitching despite himself. Boy was he going to get a nice shock. Ratatouille pulled a Nokia out of thin air then searched up the term. It was almost all worth it he thought, seeing the expression on the shitty angel’s face. “...is this an activity that humans usually partake in?”,He inquired. Deen did not like his tone. Not one bit. Alas, the brunette, green orbed man was still paralyzed from the neck down due to his body’s intake of angel feces. Before Danen could respond, It was too late.  
Dean Winchester wished for death, but there was no one to kill him. Eventually, Dean stopped thinking.

The END.

**Author's Note:**

> Why did you read this


End file.
